


All I Can See

by evansrogerskitten



Category: Dean Winchester - Fandom, SPN, Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Melancholy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 07:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evansrogerskitten/pseuds/evansrogerskitten
Summary: Reader has been struggling lately. Will a friend bring some color back into her life?





	All I Can See

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been feeling so blah lately. So I tried to channel it into this little ficlet. Song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol cuz I’m randomly obsessed with it.

The Impala growled to silence as she idled home. Without a word I threw my black backpack over my shoulder and maneuvered the gray tiled hallway straight to my room. My stuff fell onto the desk chair as I slumped down onto the edge of the bed with an exhale of relief.

I was glad to be home. The safety of the bunker gave me some peace. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that’d been chasing me for days. I couldn’t escape it, a wavering dissatisfaction that I was drowning in.

The whole drive home I was quiet. Unusually quiet; no humming from the backseat, no requests to stop, no teasing Sam when he fell asleep and drooled on the window sill. I knew for the last twenty miles the boys were exchanging looks across the front seat as they tried to figure out what was up with me. Dean watched me in the rearview as I stared out the window at the barren fields that flew by.

I just...everything felt _blah_.

I wasn’t depressed. It wasn’t that deep. But it felt bigger than that, something outside of me. Yet smaller because I couldn’t cry or scream. It wasn’t hormones, or even the messy hunt (although that didn’t help), or the patched up claw slice on my thigh. It was just...I wasn’t happy. There was nothing I felt joy about, nothing my heart and mind wanted to celebrate.

I wanted more, I hoped for more, I craved more. I wanted something other than gray sky, other than dirty grease, other than black eyes.

I wanted color in my life.

“You alright?” Dean knocked hesitantly before nudging the door open a few inches with his boot.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Okay.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look down the hallway, his eyes wide and chin tilted as he engaged in a silent debate with his brother who I could assume was hidden only a few feet away. Dean appeared to lose the secret conversation as he folded to Sam’s insistence with a shaky breath. He stepped into my room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

I smiled slightly as the mattress sank with his weight next to me.

“You’re sad.” He said. Not a question, yet not a fact that came with the weight of fixing it.

“I don’t know what I am,” I shrugged again. “I’m just...I don’t remember the last time I was happy. Like happy all the time.”

Dean didn’t respond except for a nod before I continued.

“I don’t know if that’s possible. Maybe...well maybe that’s the point.”

“What is?” He was looking at me even though my eyes hadn’t left my unmanicured nails since he walked in.

“Life,” I swallowed around the fear in my throat. Fear I would always feel so...dull. “Maybe that’s the point. Maybe no one is happy, at least not all the time. I guess that makes hunting even sadder.” I chuckled, trying to lighten the lame impression I was probably giving off. “Life is just...gray.”

“Do you want to quit hunting?” He asked quietly.

“No!” My voice was louder than I intended. I quieted down as I repeated, “No. I just...I wish there was something more.”

We were silent for a minute, comfortable and ordinary. Even if I felt so low, he made me feel stable. Like it mattered that I was there on the days that were horrible, and on the days that were victorious. Sometimes I wished for this, just being with him without monsters, or witnesses, or talking, or even Sam. Just...being.

Dean broke the silence when he took a deep breath and blew it out before his hand slowly reached out and covered mine. My mouth opened slightly in surprise as our fingers intertwined. His rough calluses slid across my smaller ones as his eyes met mine. I closed my eyes as his thumb swept across the softer skin on the back of my hand.

What could I say when the greatest person I’d ever known touched me in what should’ve been a simple, kind gesture when really it was the most overwhelmingly intimate thing to happen to me in all my years?

My heart was beating so fast I worried he could hear it; he most likely could feel it as his thumb explored the teal veins under my skin. I took a deep breath and leaned my head on his shoulder, the blue flannel soft under my cheek. A small smile grew on my face as I looked down at our hands, fit together like they matched. There was a burst of a feeling I’d craved, a little cheer in my heart like this simple touch from him was making me feel a little happy somehow. Like it was making me feel something real, something I could see.

After a few minutes I squeezed his hand, getting one in return.

“Will you lay down with me for a little while? Like...can we just listen to music?”

Dean smiled. “Of course.”

I kicked my boots off and grabbed my phone, shuffling my mellow sunday mix to find something that matched the _whoa_ of my heart. Dean tentatively followed my lead as we both settled on the mattress, our hands finding each other’s across the divide of purple blanket as we lay down on our sides.

I let myself look at Dean, really look at him, for the first time. The slight pink of the sunburn on his ears, the bronze freckles sprinkled across his cheeks, the slight tilt to his nose where it’d been broken probably too many times. I looked at his eyes, jade and olive and a color I couldn’t name. I looked into his eyes deeply for the first time ever, seeing something real.

I could see color.

 

 _If I lay here_  
_If I just lay here_  
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

 _Forget what we're told_  
_Before we get too old_  
_Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

 _All that I am_  
_All that I ever was_  
_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_

**Author's Note:**

> Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of evansrogerskitten. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post.


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